I started out performing as a singer in the Working Men’s clubs where you had to work hard for your money and they had their own way of doing things. Remember the men running these clubs could be working as anything in the daytime but they believed in the value of the clubs with the subsidised beer and entertainment,offering less well-paid folk a cheap night out. Some clubs used the format of having the same act perform three spots around the main event “The Bingo” and other clubs used three different acts. I have a lot of funny stories from those days and you would have had to see it to believe it but here are just three of my most memorable encounters:
TOUGH ACT AT BERNARD MANNING’S EMBASSY CLUB
I did a few gigs at “Bernard Manning’s Club” : the sign outside the club in Harpurhey, Manchester said “Bernard Manning’s World-Famous Embassy club” and sported a huge mosaic of him. The first time I was booked for his club I had to go there on Sunday afternoon to have a run-through with his musicians, piano, bass and drums. Lots of acts were a bit fearful of him and his reputation. A young boy /girl duo were having a run-through at the same time and the male singer asked the pianist “Is the P.A. system, OK?” A gruff voice from the darkened corner of the room shouted “ I use it and I’m a big star so it’ll be alright for you.”
The first night I sang there was a Sunday. I was booked to do Sunday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I think he booked it that way so that he could get a chance to see how you were on the quiet Sunday night and judge whether you could handle the rowdier Friday and Saturday night. So, I did the Sunday night and all went well. At the time I was playing and one of other team’s players took exception to my tackle and threw a punch at me. I thought I’d evaded the punch but felt a little stinging sensation over the right eyebrow. I thought nothing more of it, finished the game and went home. When I got up the next morning, I had a proper black eye and swollen eyebrow. F… I was on at the Embassy Club that night.
As I entered the dressing room, Bernard was sitting watching a little TV set he had on the wall. He glanced over at me “Hello son” and then he noticed the black eye “What the fg hell’s happened to you?” I told him the story and he didn’t say another word about it. I was the first act on and he was compere/main attraction. I was at the side of the stage trying to comb my hair over the eye and hoping nobody would notice it. He introduced me: “Right we’ve got a lad coming on now and his fg eye is out here and when you’ve heard him sing you’ll know why.” Then he winked at me as he left the stage.
WHO ME?
In some of the clubs the musicians were not that good. I once worked with an organist who counted time with his foot on the volume pedal so that every second note was really loud. The majority of musicians were good but, in order to survive the bad ones I started leaving out difficult songs and filling in with some comedy. I used to do a few impressions and tell a few jokes but really I classed myself as a singer. So I got a bit of a surprise when I turned up at this Blackpool club:
I was sitting in the dressing room when the Concert Secretary (CS) came in with a big smile on his face. The conversation went like this:
CS “I love it when we’ve got a comedian on.“
Me “Oh is there a comedian on then?”
CS. Laughs and points at me in a ‘what’s he like?” kind of way. Then there’s an awkward silence as he realizes I’m not joking.
Me “You think that I’m the comedian?”
CS “You better had be because that’s what you’ve been booked as.”
That was my first billing as a comedy vocalist but my agent hadn’t told me! I think I did every joke I’d ever told or heard and threw in a few impressions, even Frank Spencer got an airing, but I survived. I even got a “You had me there” afterwards from the Concert Secretary.
I WAS THE LAST OF “THE CRAP”
One Sunday night I was at a club in Wythenshawe to do the traditional end of the evening “Dance Spot.” I was in the dressing room chatting to the compere. Neither of us knew what would happen next.” Are we ready to go?” asked the compere. ” Yes” I said. Then the Concert Secretary came running in. “Hang Fire. I’ve just got to do a quick announcement.” and he went on stage and made this announcement:
“Right, we’ve had a lot of complaints about the artistes we’ve had on this month and to be fair they have been crap …..” The compere and I looked at each other as he said “… but we’re going to be using a different agent so starting next week they should be better.”
Thanks a lot, I’m the last of the crap! I even survived that.